


the lion and the unicorn

by FrraFee



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 18:11:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/852511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrraFee/pseuds/FrraFee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The lion beat the unicorn all around town...</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lion and the unicorn

_The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown_

It's not the first time she says it.

_It is what it is._

The conclusion of it being the perfect summation of their relationship isn't hard to come to.

A fool could see it, and Kensi Blye is no fool.

It's what she tells herself every time she kicks him off her couch and out of her apartment.

_It is what it is_

Because Kensi doesn't do relationships. Not with him. Not with anyone.

_There was an old woman who swallowed a fly_

If it hurts him, he doesn't say anything. Not that she'd give him the opportunity.

Their encounters are a pretty easy way of silencing him.

Sex is easy. Talking is hard.

_I don't know why she swallowed a fly_

The irony hits her at times, mostly when she goes out to the bar with her "friends".

They complain constantly of their inability to find a decent guy. The way they tell it, most men just want one thing, and Kensi bites her tongue before telling them that perhaps it's because they meet these men in bars wearing shirts cut down to their navels.

She sets one of them up once with him.

Just once.

They go on two dates. The woman gushes about how perfect he is, how sweet, how _genuine._ He wants marriage and a family and kids and didn't he just look at her like she was the only one in the room?

Later that night, Kensi catches them kissing on the bar and feels her stomach twist in a knot and bile rise in her throat.

The next day, she tells Deeks that the woman said he had too many unresolved "daddy issues". He never calls her again and for some reason, that fills Kensi with an odd sense of relief.

And when he gets up from her floor the next night and exits without a word, she thinks about how right that woman was.

How fucked up is it that Kensi has this perfect guy who lets her take advantage of him, and _she's_ the one knowing there's no future.

_Perhaps she'll die_

He doesn't even bother with knocking anymore.

She's usually in her living room or kitchen when he comes, because insomnia is a bitch and it gives in to nobody. Not even when her body is screaming for sleep, so much that shapes and colors blur before her.

She's taken to wrapping both arms around herself when she _can_ get to sleep, and it becomes the only way she can sleep. Hugging herself tightly, the pressure against her chest oddly comforting.

Might as well get used to it anyway. Not like she won't be alone for the rest of her life.

She'd even count the times she can sleep as a victory, but her sleep is plagued with nightmares, and the worst involve him and her father. Mostly, they're at a bar, commiserating over what a miserable failure her life is.

_If only I'd had a son. What has she accomplished?_

_Too damaged. Probably wouldn't know what real feelings were if they smacked her in the face._

Only she does. But feelings crush her, and they'll destroy them.

Weren't you listening? Sex was mindless. Sex was easy. At least she could pretend he wanted her for more than a quick fuck.

So when he comes in the middle of the night, she never fights it.

But the one time he crawled into her bed with her, perhaps to wake her, she panics so violently that it keeps him away for the next three nights.

He's afraid of hurting her and that is _really_ ironic, because she's the one hurting him.

_Ashes, ashes, we all fall down_

There was one night, the only night that anything approaching intimate happens.

"Kens.." he sighs, and she presses her mouth to his desperately.

It doesn't work, though. Not this time.

His hands come to either side of her face, pulling her back, and Kensi can't look at him.

His thumbs move incrementally on her cheeks, and his eyes lock on her, and it's too much.

_Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch._

"Kensi…I'm…I mean, I.."

"No." And with that, she pulls herself out of his arms, and the cold hits her instantly.

"Why the fuck not?" she hears him hiss from the floor, grabbing his clothes.

"Is it so insane for you to believe that someone may actually have feelings for you? Like actual human emotions?"

She supposes it was her admittedly immature tactic of completely ignoring him that brings his next words.

"Do you even know what feelings are?"

 _That_ hits her.

The slap is an instinct, but it lands on the usually slap-free location of his scruffy cheek.

"Fuck you, Deeks. You knew what this was. Don't play the victim card now."

She knows _too far_ only by the look in his eyes. He shoots to his feet, and as much as Kensi knows he would never lay a hand on her, she flinches.

Which, given Deeks' upbringing, was another wrong step.

The door slams behind him.

He doesn't look at her for two days.

That hurts more than any words ever could.

_The lion beat the unicorn all around the town._

She's not sure why she first suspects.

There probably isn't a logical reason.

She just knows.

_For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost_

The test rattles between her violently shaking hands, and she wonders why she even bothers taking it.

She already knows the result.

And thirty seconds later, when she sees the exact same result she knew would be there, her mind is made up.

Because after all, Kensi Blye is destined to live and die alone.

And Kensi Blye wouldn't know what real feelings were if they smacked her in the face.

_Oh mother dear, we sadly fear, that we have lost our mittens!_

The nurse at the clinic is kind as she sets up an appointment for Kensi.

She had hoped to get this done today, but the nurse pats her hand gently and tells her how this is a big decision, and she needs to take her time. They explain the procedure to her.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, they say. Her decision is what's best for her.

Kensi fights down the cold fear knawing at her stomach.

After all, fear is nothing new to Kensi Blye.

_When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall_

Of course she considers telling him. But he's the perfect guy.

He'd be supportive and sweet and wonderful, and as fucked up as it sounds, she can't handle that right now.

So when she comes back to the office and he asks her where she was, she tells him it's none of his business.

Nothing could be more his business.

But Kensi Blye is destined to be alone, and without emotions.

That's why she makes the call to the abortion clinic and books an appointment for two days later.

And when her mind feebly suggests that until then she may not be completely alone, she almost laughs at herself.

She is _always_ alone. Deeks hates her and she is always alone.

_Star light, star bright_

If Kensi ever had to venture a guess on what "love" is, she would say love is faith. Believing in something or someone, trusting when there is no logical reason to.

And if she did love Deeks, and she's not saying she does because he sure doesn't love her, but if she did, she's sure she would tell him.

And he would hug her and tell her it's okay to feel this crippling, all-consuming fear about what's inside her and what's to come and maybe, just maybe, he'd tell her they'd figure it out together.

That maybe she could learn to love what terrifies her.

But then, what would Kensi Blye know about love?

_The lion beat the unicorn all around the town._

She's not sure why.

She went to the clinic, she sat in the chair, the doctor came in with the medication. They're ready. She's made her choice.

And yet, now, as she sits on a park bench in god only knows what park, Kensi could not retrace the steps that led her from bolting out of the chair, panicked and still knocked up, to this park in shit-fuck nowhere, if she tried.

 _Have to tell Deeks,_ she knows. But right now, her mind is blissfully empty, and she loses track of time as she sits and watches all the normal people with their normal lives, and feels something not unlike longing inside.

_And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand_

_They danced by the light of the moon_

Kensi has never been poked and prodded so much in her life. She just wanted to tell them that the fetus is in her stomach, not her arm, head or anywhere else (she hasn't quite come around to _baby_ yet, she imagines it takes time for it to be a fully-formed human and not a lime-sized object that was really only making her vomit).

Her bathroom is newly filled with prenatal everything, cupboards filled with "health" food at the doctor's insistence ( _Whatever you're planning on doing with this baby, honey, is your business, but let's make sure both of you are healthy)_ , and her browsing history is full of adoption agencies.

They insist they aren't judging her, but they do say they have to ask why she's doing this.

She hates that her first reaction is a strangled "I can't."

But she can't. She can't be a mother, she can't raise a child.

She's a mess, and this was a mistake. Just a mistake.

And it is _so_ not fair that she has to deal with this alone.

_Jack be nimble_

Somehow, Deeks finds out. Kensi assumes it's probably all the vomiting at crime scenes, and the sheer volume of the now-required doctor's visits.

He drags her into a closet and demands the truth, and Kensi simply can't look at him and lie.

His "oh my gods" resound for several long moments, and Kensi just wants so, _so_ badly to run far away, but Deeks surprises her, as usual, by gently taking her hand and inquiring what they did now.

She's not even sure what takes over her when she yanks her hand away and tells him _they_ don't do anything, this baby is going up for adoption, and it shouldn't have happened anyway.

And she runs, because the crushed look in his eyes is more than she can take.

_Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop_

Slowly, the team finds out. Kensi didn't really believe she could keep it a secret, but how supportive they are somehow makes this even harder.

Sam steps in front of her at crime scenes.

Callen slips all her favorite sweets on her desk when she's not looking.

Eric hands her an adorably awkward bear after work one day, then runs away, cheeks flaming.

One agent dares imply that she's not a capable agent (because she's _reproducing_ ) and Hetty makes sure they never hear from him again.

Nell emails her prospective parents, and Kensi can't bring herself to open a single email.

_But she'll do it. She will._

_Because she's alone, this was a mistake, and it's what's best._

And Deeks…Deeks helps in all the most inconspicuous ways. She gets calls reminding her about ultrasounds she doesn't remember booking, somehow her prenatal vitamin prescription is always filled, and healthy meals keep showing up in her locker.

But they don't talk.

Kensi feels the keen loss of her best friend more than she'd like to admit, but can't figure out why he doesn't act like he hates her.

_Jack fell down and broke his crown_

Adoption plans don't require you to give up your rights until the baby's born. You can before, but you are not required to.

 _This baby is not yours,_ her mind screams at her (but she has reached _baby_ ). _It is already someone else's, and you are just the oven._

_You are just the oven. Not yours._

Her hand drifts to her slightly rounded stomach, and Kensi tries with all her heart to believe it.

_I wish I may, I wish I might_

She lets him come to an ultrasound once.

She regrets it as soon as she sees the look on his face when he sees the picture, hears him breathe _it's a girl_.

He asks for a copy, then five more.

When the ultrasound tech looks at him strangely, he simply shrugs and says "big family."

She tells him she has to pee when they're outside before slipping back into the office and asking the tech for just one more copy.

She never really lets herself ask why.

But it's still under her pillow years later.

_Seems to me, you'll stop and see, how beautiful they are_

They meet with one set of adoptive parents. There is a standardized sheet of questions, the couple answers every one. Their answers are acceptable. Teacher, financial official, they live a quiet suburban life, apparently just _begging_ for children. They are perfectly ordinary, and Kensi can see her – the child just sliding into their lives.

Absolutely not, Deeks proclaims as soon as they get out. When asked why, he looks at her as if she's crazy.

"They like _classical_ music, Kensi! And they live three blocks from the ocean and don't know how to surf! Oh no, no, no kid of mine will be going to them."

He takes her out to lunch (why, _why_ doesn't he hate her?) and she's oddly relieved, not unlike when she had forcibly broken Deeks and her "friend" up.

But it changes nothing. Their situation doesn't change.

In three months, there will be no baby to worry about, and Kensi dares hope she'll simply slip from their minds.

_They've all gone away_

She had never expected it. She supposes she should have, he was _Deeks._

Still, when he tells her, she gapes at him for long minutes, and can only stutter a "what?"

"I said I want to keep her, Kensi."

She tells him they're giving her up. He insists that _she_ is giving her up, he never agreed to this. And he can't, nor should she ask him to, give up his child.

She objects immediately, of course. It's her body. Her kid.

No, he fires back. _Their_ kid. She's theirs, and he has never asked her for anything, but give him this.

She tries, she really tries to think of a reason to say no.

He'll go back to LAPD, he begs. He _begs_ , and again, she can't look at him.

He'll go back, and she won't have to see them if she doesn't want to. He'll never ask her for anything, never contact her, never force her child on her. Please, he loves her already. And they are family.

Kensi can't decide what crushes her more, that she'll never see either one again, or that a family is being born and she's not a part of it.

She's never a part of it.

All alone.

He places his hand on her belly, without permission, and she tells him she'll think about it.

She's seven months pregnant (huge, and Kensi Blye has never been huge in her life) when he invites her to come with him for a drive one Saturday.

She hesitates – they never spend time together nowadays – but agrees.

They drive ten or fifteen minutes out of the city, and pull into a medium-sized house. He runs around and grabs her hand to pull her up, and she asks him whose house this is.

When he tells her it's his, she doesn't believe him.

Until he mentions that he got a cryptic message from Hetty a week ago (no other kind of Hetty message, she reminds him) to meet her at this house, when she announced that she had bought it for him, and there were to be no objections.

And when he says that Sam and Callen have already mapped out eight different routes for him to get to LAPD's main offices, she feels a kick to her insides that she's not entirely sure is the baby.

Not her baby. _The_ baby.

He leads her inside by the hand, and she lets him, imagining they must look like any expecting couple with a new house, not an expectant father and her, about to be cut from their lives.

She holds onto the moment, because she has only two months left of them.

Her hand even slips to her belly for a moment, and she doesn't miss the hopeful glint in Deeks' eyes.

_Jack be quick_

There's a room at the end of the hall he leads her to. Kensi's almost afraid to go in.

It's a nursery. Beautifully decorated, awash in a light shade of blue, it seems to have a sea theme. There are fish and dolphins and octopus' painted on the walls, so artisitically that she wonders by who, but doesn't dare ask.

The crib is a rich brown wood, and the bassinet is a soft blue. Everything a baby could conceivably need, and then some, is artfully arranged around the small room, and a rather high tech baby monitor is attached to the wall.

She touches it gently and Deeks gives a wry smile. "Eric. Who's surprised?"

Her fingers drift and land on a gallery of photos. They're everywhere, along the wall, over the dresser, and hanging on the baby's mobile above her crib. Photos of everyone significant in Deeks' life, but mostly of their team.

Everyone except one person.

Her.

"It's beautiful, Deeks," she breathes. "You're…you're really trying hard."

"Well," he says, as if it should be obvious, "I'll be both mom and dad for her. I have to try twice as hard."

Her eyes well against her will at that (damn hormones).

His fingers brush her hand, and he hesitates. "Kens…there was one more picture."

She doesn't dare hope. "Of who?"

"You know who. I just…I wanted to check if you were okay with it."

Kensi honestly doesn't know. Everything is suddenly all too real, all at once. Deeks waits in anticipation of an answer she doesn't have, and the only thing she can stutter out is a weak "…okay."

The smile he gives her is more than worth it, as he affixes the picture right beside the crib.

"Thank you, Kensi," he says with true gratitude. "I'll make sure…I'll make sure she knows. You did this for her."

_She found them, indeed, but it made her heart bleed_

She goes into labor on her due date. She hadn't really expected to, but she was at the office anyway.

It hurts every bit as much as everyone says it does, and it is only just beginning. Someone runs to get the team, and she is in the hospital before she knows it.

_Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home_

She doesn't remember reaching for Deeks' hand between the waves of pain, but she must have, because he's the only solid presence she remembers

_Duérmete, mi niña_

The baby's heart monitor beeps every time she has a contraction, a loud, alarming whine.

She gasps out "something's wrong," her hands flying to her belly, terror unlike she has ever known gripping her.

She feels the baby kick between contractions, and relishes the feeling because when a contraction comes, she goes so frighteningly still.

Kensi's eyes shut tightly, and she can no longer feel Deeks soothing her, can't feel his hands smoothing her hair back, she can only feel the intense love and will that has been there all along surrounding her child, her daughter, and Kensi wills her baby with everything in her.

 _Live_.

_So hush you little ones, and have no fear_

"The cord…wrapped around her neck…"

Deeks grips her hand tighter.

Her baby gets closer and closer to being here.

And then, with a flourish, she _is_ here.

_Glad to greet a weary child_

There is a quick flick of the doctor's hands as he unwraps the cord from the newborn's neck, and Kensi looks at her daughter for the first time.

_One by one_

_They've begun_

_Dance and prance for little baby_

She's beautiful.

She's the most beautiful creature that Kensi has ever seen in her entire life. She's warm and soft and Kensi doesn't remember asking to hold her but she must have, because her child is wriggling in her arms and she's stroking the tuft of dark hair on her head.

She smells like baby powder and hope, as clichéd as it seems, and once she's in her arms, Kensi knows without a doubt that she's never leaving.

_Hush, my babe, no danger nye_

Deeks wraps his arms around them both and it doesn't matter how they got here, because they don't even need to look at each other to know how this will end.

Kensi lowers her forehead to meet her daughter's, and then raises her face to Deeks, who has loved her unfailingly through everything she put him through.

"I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter."

And it doesn't.

She's theirs.

They have a family, a future, they're together, and that's all that matters, and Kensi just can't see why she doesn't realize it before.

_With moonbeam windows and with wheels of stars_

And soon there are people, and they crowd the room, and wiggle their fingers at the baby and hug Kensi gently and everything is crowded and chaotic.

But as Annabelle Rose Blye-Deeks coos between them, all she can see is her family.

_Some gave them white bread, and some gave them brown;  
Some gave them plum cake and drummed them out of town._


End file.
